she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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