forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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