so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
