In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
