I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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