how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize