Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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