I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
