Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to cum in my sink.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
