Just fell off a train. Bad.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
