I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
