i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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