You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize