I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
pop tarts are not kleenex
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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