just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
