i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
