I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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