Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize