So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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