....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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