I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
