She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize