ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
