a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize