Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
