I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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