I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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