I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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