I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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