you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
me + whiskey = a bad person
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
