I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
