I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
