I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
two words...techno handjob
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
