So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
