I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
