chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
