Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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