In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
only you would photoshop your dick
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
