also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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