i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
