If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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