You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
