My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize