I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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