My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
