This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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