I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
