My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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