fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
