Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
