A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
