I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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