I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize