I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
