I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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