I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
